:: Black Skulls, Pink Ruffles--Goth vs Martha Stewart ::

:: Tuesday, November 18, 2003 ::

Eleanor, Queen of Disaster

Yes, I have managed to land myself in the hospital again. I figured I ought to mention my brief stay in the ICU...I ate walnuts. By accident, of course, but I still ate them. I am all better now, obviously, and I am home, but it sucked. Greatly. It seems my allergy has gotten worse, and my beloved fed me butter pecan ice cream with a walnut caramel swirl (who knew they used walnuts as a natural caramel colorant? I didn't!), so I went squishles. I am yummy now, but it was a totally oogie time, and I had never spent so long in an ICU before except for Sophia's NICU visit. Blech.
:: Eleanor 2:59 PM [+] ::
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The Partner I Know and Love...

...is my fiance, John. He is Sophia's stepdad, my biggest inspiration, a loving and caring father/family member...and someone none of my high school or college friends have ever met. I will admit, I am very excited--and a little scared--to introduce the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with to the people I have spent it with so far. What if they don't like him? What if he doesn't like them? I have had to come to terms with the fact that either of these might be so. In a lot of ways, he is very different from many of my friends: he is super outgoing, totally worldly, and has seen way too much to really seem all that young anymore. Yet, at the same time, he is really young in many ways since his life has been in a state of suspended animation for a while. It's really neat...he's a lot like me.

Even neater, though, is that he's not a lot like me in some ways. He makes me get out of bed in the morning, gets me to do my homework, makes me remember to call doctors and such...until I find that I am doing it on my own, without his prompting, just because I should. It's not something I expected, to be sure, but for him to be strong where I am weak is good. I haven't really had that kind of foundation, and it's something Sophia needs as well if she is going to have a healthy life and childhood. Also, he is super dedicated to the idea of cleaning my house (which is courageous, as any of you who've visited already know) and keeping it that way--for the wellbeing of Sophia and me! I don't know, he's the biggest walking contradiction i've ever met, and he's got bags of charisma...people just get stuck on him and don't want to let go. His life reminds me of my own, and he's someone I have fully opened myself up to, even the parts of me that I hate and hide and never want to talk about. I don't think he realizes how brave he makes me, or how special it is whenever I apologize to him (I HATE apologizing) or tell him my darkest feelings, and I won't tell him it's special. I like that it is something he has learned to take for granted from me: I always tell him the truth, I always keep my word to him, and I can tell him anything.

This is so totally new...this feeling is like having diamonds in my head: beautifully flawless, clear as ice water, but hard as steel and immune to breakage. Wow.
:: Eleanor 3:34 AM [+] ::
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Guess What?

Well, It's been a while, but there's a lot to talk about, so here we go. First of all, my little girl is a WHOLE YEAR OLD!!! Happy birthday, Sophia! She passed out of the "months" phase on November 7th, and she is definitely showing it. At last count she had six teeth that were either fully grown in or in the process thereof, although she won't let any of us look at them without biting us, and those things are razor sharp! Her favorite foods are all the things she isn't supposed to like, such as 3-alarm chili, cheese fries, and very garlicky spaghetti, but I guess she gets the "weird" thing from her mom.

Speaking of weird, Sophia's stepdad John bought her her absolute favorite dolly in the whole world (she likes dolls now)--Seth and Grace, you will be proud. It's a little girl doll with a black diaper, vinyl boots, braided orange and yellow dreads, and a face only my daughter could love. Lots of spider barrettes and pins, too. She fell in love with it at the store and won't go anywhere without it now...its name is "Dieyi". Yeah, she's definitely mine. If you need more reassurance of that, you should see her costume from Hallow's Eve: she went out in a little black jumpsuit with a gray oversuit--that had eight legs and spider webs, as well as a companion spider! Yup, my babygirl was a spider for halloween, and she broke everyone in the neighborhood. She also figured out the "take handfuls of candy" game, and all she had to do was flash her cute little dimples to get away with it. (Spoiled much?)

As for me, I am currently in school and working part time, as well as being full time Mommy and errand girl. I totally miss my friends, but I am looking into trying to see people around Thanksgiving, if they'll be here. Anyone who's reading this, CALL ME! I have a new cellular phone I can actually be reached at, and someone at my house will give you the number. It's contract, not pre-pay, so life will be better and conversations will be longer. :) That's all the news for right now, though I am sure I'll think of something for tomorrow. Love you all!
:: Eleanor 3:16 AM [+] ::
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Hmm. Yeah. I Lied. Again.

Hi guys, specifically Seth and Grace, who still check this thing on a regular basis. Guess what? I lied. I didn't post regularly, again. MY life is still a bit upside-down...well, okay, a lot upside down. Like, so upside down that right side up is starting to seem like the weird part, you know? So, without further adieu, here's more baby news: She's officially seven months old, and really really really cute. She's also about 16 and some odd pounds, and eating solid foods (well, such as they are...baby foods aren't really *solids*)
:: Eleanor 3:52 PM [+] ::
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Second Time's a Charm!

Hey, I'm really back this time. Time to update and tell you all about my life here so far. Well, the web I've woven around my life to keep it stable has ended up trapping me instead...This is becoming an online diary instead of an advice column. Life becomes decidedly more difficult when you have a little one; tiny choices have huge ramifications. Now, while I understand that this is supposedly true for everyday life as well, you don't see it as much when it's just you that you have to think about. When you have a baby, however, choosing to make a decision that changes your life in a minor way could completely break theirs. Like, right now I am trying to sort out my feelings towards the universe in general, and more specifically my place in it in relation to other people. The long and short of it is, I'm not happy. I love my daughter, I bust my ass at school, try to keep up at home, and I am finally getting a social life, but I feel like a truck ran me over and then backed up a few times. Something just isn't clicking.

So what's the solution? I'm not sure either. I am trying to figure out by tweaking each part of my life a little bit at a time until it feels right; so far it's a no go, but maybe it'll work. I'm also back to the therapist, and trying to make decisions that benefit me on a regular basis, instead of worrying over what the rest of the world will think. You would be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at how hard that is, exactly. I never would have thought that things could be so easy and yet so hard at the same time, but they are. Still, I am hoping everything will be worth it in the end. There must be some way to resolve this peacefully, with everything working out. I'm just not sure that the end I am working towards will make everyone equally happy. I am really aware of feeling selfish right now, like I shouldn't be deciding for just myself. But I also think Sophia figures in to this; if I do something because I think it is going to be "best for us" and fall flat on my face, will it hurt her more or less in the long run?

I don't know the answer to this, to any of it. I wish I did. I am working on it right now; consulting therapists, taking my meds, busting ass at school, and working to make my life better is the best I can do. If you have any suggestions, send 'em! Maybe this might just get back to the advice column I used to know and love (and have a readership for...)
:: Eleanor 12:36 AM [+] ::
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Heeewack, She's Back!

Hey, guess what? I'm back. After a great deal of transition time and a decided lack of sleep, I am trying to update my blog. Again. This is a bit difficult, since there is a cute, squirming little three month old on my lap attempting to eat the keyboard, but I suppose that is one of the perils of being a mom.
:: Eleanor 5:45 PM [+] ::
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Getting Towards that Due Date


The due date is on its way...and Sophia is trying to grow quickly to accomodate it!
:: Eleanor 5:20 PM [+] ::
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Walking The Line


I have discovered that there is a very fine line you walk as a young mother. On the one side, you have the call of your youth--parties, school, and childless friends--and on the other, you have the responsibilities of parenthood. When I first became a Mom, I didn't really see the complexities of the position I would be in--I spent too much of my first month worrying about my baby in the hospital to really think about how it would be when she got home. After seven months of pregnancy, it seemed like I would never want to go out again, let alone have the energy to. And yet, lo and behold, it happened. I now have the energy and the will to go out again...but what I don't have is the freedom. It's not the lack of babysitter or the lack of time--I live with my parents, both of whom dote on Sophia, as does my younger sister, so I am able to come and go pretty much as I please, as long as there is a little bit of warning for them. No, my real problem is within myself: I actually feel scared (and a little guilty) leaving my baby girl at home while I go to unnecessary places. I suppose I feel that I stayed by her side so often in the ISCU, only to leave her now that she is out and healthy. It's almost like being unfaithful to her, in my mind. It has made it very tough to cope with going without her.

The trick is, new moms, this is a totally normal feeling. It turns out that many mothers with ISCU babies, as well as mothers of full-term newborns, have trouble leaving their little one with a sitter, even if the sitter is someone they know and trust. The problem becomes that the more the mother stays inside, denying herself a little rest, the less able to cope as a mom she will become. We all need a break once in a while, and even second and third time moms can tend to forget it in the face of a delicate new baby. Remember to take time off, let your hair down, or go to a party...you will come back feeling better and more rested than you have in a while, and it will help you with the transition back to normal life.

New Dads...your lovers need a little help in unwinding right now. Try reverting to your old dating ways: romantic dinners, flowers, and a little kindness can do wonders for her self-esteem---and your love life. It's much easier to be a happy family when you don't have to try to be one constantly; getting out and seeing people outside the family remind you how much you love the people inside the family. Moms are going to be going through some pretty heavy self-image problems as they try to shape up into their former selves--indulge them their whims and trust their judgement, and you may find yourself back with the partner you know and love in no time.
:: Eleanor 4:58 PM [+] ::
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Home For The Holidays


Well, for those of you who didn't guess by the title, here's the news: my daughter is home! My little Sophia Marie came home yesterday evening, at a weight of 2.360 kilograms--just a little over five pounds. The first day was interesting. We brought her home, and instead of being freaked out, she seemed pretty curious. She had never really seen the sunlight before, nor had she really gotten to spend so much time with us before. She spent a lot of the night watching me, in fact, and seemed a little nervous when I left the room. As always, she talks a lot and grumbles to herself about everything. She is a really expressive baby, and wants to tell me all about everything that happens. She also looks to me to make everything all better, which can be a little tough, but right now I am basking in it. The day itself went by okay. Then we got to the nighttime and sleeping thing, which I was a bit apprehensive of, and with good reason, I think. However, it turns out I wasn't the worst about it, because there was someone with worse nerves than mine, and that was...

Sophia's Daddy...who got absolutely no sleep. Every little sound, every cry, and he was up and at the crib. I finally had to put her in her "Snuggle Nest" (a tiny plastic bed with raised sides. Wonderful for those who want to sleep by their baby without a risk of hurting them...I really recommend it.) and lay her down beside me, after kicking Daddy out onto the couch to sleep the last few hours away. By this time it was about 6 am, but at least he got a little sleep...and then we woke up to feed her, leaving everyone exhausted, cranky, and unsettled. So goes day one. More on day 2 when it ends.
:: Eleanor 5:17 PM [+] ::
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